But I can't not write about something I have done every single day, multiple times a day for over 420 days. And to my surprise, new mom's ask me about my experience often.
For me, breastfeeding was the single most difficult thing about transitioning into the role of new mom. It hurt. It felt constant. It was lonely. No one could help me. It seemed to steal my freedom...and my sleep.
I remember planning a trip to Target when Grey was a few weeks old. I made sure everything was ready to dash out the door the second he unlatched: keys, phone, purse, diaper bag...check. We scrambled out the door, ran into Target {mostly just to get out of the house}, checked out and rushed home only to sit down on the couch to nurse again. My days of leisurely shopping trips seemed a distant memory. The freedom I experienced {and didn't even realize I had} was gone in the blink of an eye. A similar song and dance happened around bed time. The second Grey unlatched, I laid him down and tried to go to sleep myself knowing that I would be up soon to nurse him once again. I was no longer free to go to bed with my husband or stay up to hang out with him after he finished his homework. I was resentful.
I almost gave up breastfeeding multiple times. Adam even begged me at one point to give it up because I was so distraught about having to do it all by myself. Every feeding, day and night. I was not really able to pump well, so bottles were reserved for when I REALLY had to leave, not for fun date nights or just so I could sleep. I was bound to Grey, and at first it really did feel like bondage. I am sure post pregnancy hormones had a lot to do with my "woe is me" attitude, but let's be real Motherhood comes at you like a freight train. You picture cuddles and cooing and then reality sinks in and its not all rainbows and butterflies, its hard work.
I remember how lonely I felt. When people were over, I was resigned to the nursery alone as I nursed Grey. There was no way I was going to breastfeed in front of guy friends (and nursing under a cover is pretty tricky at first), so off to the other room I went. I clearly remember crying in Grey's room, nursing him, while I heard everyone in the other room laughing and enjoying the conversation. I felt oh so lonely.
But for all the drawbacks, I was committed to continue for Grey's sake. I knew it was the best thing for him and I knew I would survive. Women throughout the ages have done this, I can too. Grey's latch was perfect, I had plenty of milk AND I stayed at home. We were better off than many. I had no excuse, so I owed it to Grey to at least give it a go. Not to mention, I could save us thousands of dollars in formula.
Many women encouraged me to stick it out for at least a month and it would get easier. They were definitely right and I was thankful for the encouragement. The pain lessened and as my hormones evened out and I got more than one hour of sleep the burden seemed to transform into a joy. Now after 14 months of breastfeeding my baby it is like second nature. Instead of something that I dread and resent, it has become something beautiful and sweet. So sweet, in fact, that I barely even know how to give it up. I said I would NEVER become a pacifier. I would NEVER nurse my baby to sleep {or he won't learn to sleep on his own, I was told}. I would NEVER nurse beyond the 1 year mark {only weirdo Le Leche League people do that}. I have changed my mind on all three of those things and I am so happy I did.
We have been doing two feedings a day since his first birthday and just this past week have gone down to one feeding in the morning. He drinks almond milk for the rest of the day, since he is allergic to dairy {we give him one piece of bacon a day to make up for the fat he is missing out on, per drs. orders}. Sadly, I think its almost time to move on from breastfeeding. The letting go is much harder than I expected. But it's time.
I can assure you, with #2 my attitude towards breastfeeding will be much more laid back than it started off with Grey. Will it be hard? I'm sure. But next time I will be expecting it to be difficult and hopefully next time I will be able to see beyond the newborn phase to the beauty and sweetness that lie ahead.
So that is a little bit of mine and Grey's story. I am so thankful I was able to stick it out. It was one of the most selfless things I have ever done in my life but also one of the most rewarding. Love you Grey.
xoxoKtB
